It’s a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be moving to Seattle for a tech job. For us Seattle natives, this is a less than happy truth. But since we can’t do a damn thing about the housing market, the best course of action is to laugh. But, enough about us.
This post is about you, the lonely mid-western bachelor who got away from the corn fields just in time to join the western boom of America’s greatest. Here’s a guide for everything you’ll need to know when moving to our city.
1. Buy A Tiny Overpriced Apartment
When you’re making $100,000/year starting, who cares about square footage or reasonable pricing?! Find that apartment you’ve never dreamed of, and throw down that first, last and deposit. It may be more money than most people see in a month, but this is YOUR time to shine. Oh, and make sure your apartment building feels half-way between a dorm and a post apocalyptic office building. We’re all about authentic in Seattle.
2. Buy A Rescue Dog
Now that you have an apartment too small to lay across, you’ll need a canine companion to help ward off SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Thinking small? Nah. Go for the Great Dane. Small dogs say, “This is my girlfriend’s dog that I’m walking for her.” Oh, and make sure it’s a rescue. Ain’t nobody gonna high-five you for a pedigree dog in this town.
Take this dog with you on sporadic walks and to as many festivals as possible. Not only will this help you meet people…who are walking with their boyfriends, but it will also allow you to meet other dog owners (who you should never talk to, just smile awkwardly as your dogs sniff each other).
3. Find Someone On A Dating App And Never Meet Them
Love has nothing to do with it. Not knowing anyone after living here for six months has everything to do with it. Hop on that Bumble or Tinder train and get your text on. It’s time to find that distraction you’ve been looking for (especially since the wifi in a state penitentiary works better than yours).
The key is to never (and I mean NEVER) meet up with this person. I don’t care how much y’all have in common. Drag them along month after month after month and deny having the free time to hang out…even though your social life consists of spending the last four nights cleaning Great Dane pee out of your thousand dollar throw carpet.
4. Get Rid Of Your Car , And Single-Handedly Support The Uber Industry
Say goodbye to Bessie, it’s time to list that Lexus and live the real Seattle life—via Uber. Now, I’m not saying anyone…and I do mean ANYONE else, who lives here, does this. But as a transplant, you have your own unique mindset for living in a new and strange city. And speaking of filling that lonely void in your life: Why not have a driver to talk to as you travel one mile down the street? Never ever use public transportation. That’s for the sane.
5. Complain Daily About How Bad The Weather Is (Oct – Apr)
Now this one is seasonal because, as we all know, your work had you interview in August so you were mesmerized by the lush green surroundings and light summer breeze. But by the time you moved here in October? Things started to get real dark, real fast…literally. Like, we’re talking lights out at 4pm.
We may have just had the coldest wettest winter on record, but thank GOD you’re here to remind us how amazing your home state is. Wow. I wish I too could live in such a paradise. I’m so sorry you’re trapped here. Speaking of…
6. Keep On Reminding EVERYONE Where You’re From Is Better
Remember the good old days? When you lived back in that town you hated, and felt trapped in? *Sigh* Those were the days, huh? Now that you’ve moved to a new city, it’s your chance to disregard absolutely everything you hated and really take advantage of those rose-colored glasses.
But, whatever you do, don’t keep this to yourself! You need to tell every. single. Seattle-ite how much better the last place you lived was. Don’t hold back! It’s not like you willingly came to this city, and are eating through our resources and sky-rocketing our housing market. Keep spreading the good word!
7. Only Make Friends With Other Transplants
Repeat after me: Transplants are my only safe friends.
Seattle people are scary. They don’t hug strangers on sidewalks, or high-five you when it’s dark and you jump out from behind dumpsters. Honestly, it’s amazing this city has socially survived.
Your best option? Don’t talk to anyone who’s actually from here. Just keep going to the same overpriced downtown bar every day after work, and get plastered with those six guys who also moved here from forgotten states. Oh, and forget exploring social events in Seattle neighborhoods. Remember: If it isn’t sponsored by a name you recognize, it’s not worth going to.
8. Get Off Your High-Horse And Admit This City Is Amazing
I wish I’d made up the above circumstances, but they’re all taken from people I’ve actually met. Don’t be that guy. Hopefully, after a while, you’ll be able to admit this city is kind of amazing. We’re a bit rough around the edges, but look into our history—Seattle was built by Scandinavian fishermen, loggers and harlots. Honestly, it’s a miracle we’re still standing.
Take some time to get to know us! I know it’s not what your other transplant friends are doing, but go to the MOHAI and learn about where we came from. Seattle people are like our weather. Amazing…but it takes us some time for us to warm up.